No happy dog noises as I walked to the door, no excited red body hurtling down the hall at me. I got as far as the living room before she appeared through the sliding glass door from the deck.
“Where the Hell have you been? Do you have any idea what has gone on around here all afternoon? Did you see a critter fly by?”
Alice was in high gear. I took a quick peek around and replied, “Not tonight Alice, I can’t deal with outside toy in the house drama!”
“Oh REALLY!!” (spoken in sarcastic Shar Pei Chinese.)
“No biggy. She’s propably lying. I think it left.” yawned Skeedles as she sauntered down the spiral stairs and out the door.
Movement in the Palm tree caught my eye. (Yes, I have trees in my house.) A very tiny, terrified chipmunk leapt to a fragile frond, shaking the tree enough to drive Alice into a frenzy. I retrieved the sponge mop, lined up my shot and waited. I had one chance to knock this one out of the proverbial park. Just the right angle and I could launch the critter through the open door to the deck and freedom for us all.
This is why I have always sucked at sports that require eye-hand coördination. Tennis, Ping-pong, softball, golf? Not my game.
It skittered under the couch. “Great, farther from the door…”
“I’m just not having this, It will run for the wide open door. If we just leave it alone it will leave. It doesn’t want to be here any more than I want it here.” I called over my shoulder as I went into the kitchen to cook. I made Alice’s dinner, even sang the “Doggie Dinner Song” but she was far to excited. She trotted through the kitchen and look up at me, “How can you think of eating at a time like this!!”
For the next 10 minutes she circled the house, grabbing a mouthful of kibble before racing back to the couch. I calmly cooked and hoped for peace. “What is that noise, Alice?”
“I’m eating the wooden ends of the couch to protect you from the critter!”
“Oh this won’t do. Come into the den and watch the news with me an it will leave.” No amount of stomping and slamming of sponge mop handle under the couch could dissuade her from her post.
I set up a fan to, hopefully, change the air patterns and scent. Alice lay with her stout nose jammed under the couch attempting to such all the air from the universe. “You aren’t even a hunting breed of dog! Knock that off!!”
She stopped long enough to look at me with full disdain. “Luckily we don’t have to depend on you to defend homeland security around here. It is under there and I’m not giving up”
I cooked, Alice sucked air and dug and chewed when I wasn’t looking. Skeedles sidled by on the front deck outside the screen door. “Is she still going bonkers over that thing? I gave up hope hours ago.”
“Thanks, Skeedles, You are so high on my shit-list at the moment you would do well to disappear.”
“And I’m the only one helping you bring home the bacon!! (or chipmunk in this case) and that’s your attitude of gratitude??!!”
Yep, it must be Friday, because I just don’t have the energy to argue with her…