That’s the thing about come-aparts, you have to have them, they absolutely must occur for you to move to the next step/stage/place. However, when you happen to find yourself in the middle of one, the aforementioned philosophy will only drive you deeper. It is impossible to logic yourself out of what needs to be done…a massive come-apart at the seams, fall down and let it wash over you, cry. The anger rages, the tears flow uncontrollably, and my four-footed housemates do their best to console me.
Come-aparts don’t just crash down on me; there are sneaky, tell-tale signs I fail to heed. That slight muscle twitch under my left eye? Yeah, probably not caused by a brain tumor, that would be my face scrunching into a frown too often or maybe just frozen in anxiety. And here comes that toothache again. Are you listening? Because if your mind can’t get through to you, your body will. Time to honestly work through the questions of what is causing discord and how can it be addressed.
I ran off and thought busy was the way to cure the blues. I went to the road race, photographed and cheered on friends. I took in a comedy show. If comedy can’t shake this ennui I must be really doomed. Then I just crashed and burned. I got up to sleet pounding the windows and ice dragging the pine trees to their knees. There was no hope for life. My lower back was frozen in knots so badly, I could barely walk.
My first thought was to crawl back under the covers. When that didn’t abate the tears of despair, I got up and surrendered. A bottle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes. I would just let today go completely and blot out the sadness. As fate would have it, the two inches of ice on everything prevented me from leaving to obtain said vices. I put my yoga DVD in and gave myself 40 minutes to try to collect. It helped. From there I started a list, based on a previous list, and worked my way through the half completed and not-yet-started items.
The sleet stopped and the skies brightened as the clouds blustered by. The ice fell from the limbs and shattered as the temperature rose. One task, to find the original start-up disk to repair the laptop, lead to a huge cleaning of crap that has cluttered up my office for months. Unemployment ended three months ago with no return in sight. Time to pitch the ten tons of paper and rescue all those paperclips.
As every detour on the road to drunken oblivion was cast up, it became easier to not reach for the tissues. Each person who appeared, sliding under my radar of rigid strong persona,(“I’m fine, really, just a little stressed!”) shed a light, illuminating me to myself. I started to let go of the hammer I was beating myself with. It wasn’t the world and circumstances that caused the stress to seize my body in pain, it was my lack of belief in my ability to grow, evolve and support myself.
Today, I am welcoming April 1st 2014. Never had this day before, have you?