another massive come-apart strikes

That’s the thing about come-aparts, you have to have them, they absolutely must occur for you to move to the next step/stage/place. However, when you happen to find yourself in the middle of one, the aforementioned philosophy will only drive you deeper. It is impossible to logic yourself out of what needs to be done…a massive come-apart at the seams, fall down and let it wash over you, cry. The anger rages, the tears flow uncontrollably, and my four-footed housemates do their best to console me.

Come-aparts don’t just crash down on me; there are sneaky, tell-tale signs I fail to heed. That slight muscle twitch under my left eye? Yeah, probably not caused by a brain tumor, that would be my face scrunching into a frown too often or maybe just frozen in anxiety. And here comes that toothache again. Are you listening? Because if your mind can’t get through to you, your body will. Time to honestly work through the questions of what is causing discord and how can it be addressed.

I ran off and thought busy was the way to cure the blues. I went to the road race, photographed and cheered on friends. I took in a comedy show. If comedy can’t shake this ennui I must be really doomed. Then I just crashed and burned. I got up to sleet pounding the windows and ice dragging the pine trees to their knees. There was no hope for life. My lower back was frozen in knots so badly, I could barely walk.

My first thought was to crawl back under the covers. When that didn’t abate the tears of despair, I got up and surrendered. A bottle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes. I would just let today go completely and blot out the sadness. As fate would have it, the two inches of ice on everything prevented me from leaving to obtain said vices. I put my yoga DVD in and gave myself 40 minutes to try to collect. It helped. From there I started a list, based on a previous list, and worked my way through the half completed and not-yet-started items.

The sleet stopped and the skies brightened as the clouds blustered by. The ice fell from the limbs and shattered as the temperature rose.  One task, to find the original start-up disk to repair the laptop, lead to a huge cleaning of crap that has cluttered up my office for months. Unemployment ended three months ago with no return in sight. Time to pitch the ten tons of paper and rescue all those paperclips.

As every detour on the road to drunken oblivion was cast up, it became easier to not reach for the tissues. Each person who appeared, sliding under my radar of rigid strong persona,(“I’m fine, really, just a little stressed!”) shed a  light, illuminating me to myself. I started to let go of the hammer I was beating myself with. It wasn’t the world and circumstances that caused the stress to seize my body in pain, it was my lack of belief in my ability to grow, evolve and support myself.

Today, I am welcoming April 1st 2014. Never had this day before, have you?

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12 thoughts on “another massive come-apart strikes

  1. I have certainly had my share of “melt-downs” and you are right – they do HAVE to happen. Keeping it all inside is far worse for you then letting it spill out. I think one of the keys to weathering these storms is knowing they will come to an end, every storm does. Then the sun comes out and the clean up begins. Your strength, courage and friends will see you through it! Always!

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  2. Think of it like this…. You and Night are in training. Remember all those times during your illustrious riding career that you worked and worked, trained and trained, with a specific goal in mind, the carrot dangling, growing ever closer. Each step and challenge of that journey met with success, so another tier of difficulty was added to the end game. You mount up, mind- meld with Night,your “other half”, and the two of you train some more…. more goals met, more achievements under the belt, so once again, you add more difficulty to the task, (move to the next level of Eventing or Dressage for example). You take the lessons, read the books, have a firm idea of what you are doing…. your “other half” just does what you ask of her… she is surely asking herself… “you want to do WHAT?” ” well, ok, I trust you. Now tell me again, how do we get over that jump? How do you want me to move sideways? Really? OK…. Ill try”. And the both of you keep at it until a communicated, mind-melding symmetry appears and you conquer that next harder level together. Now,, once in a while, your horse will hit a plateau, (on a bad day we call it hitting the wall), when she will simply say “Oh Hell No”, I Am Not going to try THAT, I simply cant do anymore… I am tired, I am burnt out, I just want to go graze in the sun….” So, instead of battling each other, you wisely give the two of you a day or two off. Now, you Know that she is not just rejoicing in how she “won” that battle with you… she got turned out and a day off, just like she wanted. But, she LOVES what she is doing with you just as much as you do, so while she munches and sunbathes, she is thinking about how to do that oh-so-difficult movement or approach/landing that you proposed before the “meltdown”. Then, almost as if by magic, the next time you do go ride, she “has it”, performs the task almost without your asking. And with that, you two are off again training for the next level. She “thought” about it during her “down time” and figured it out. She had a moment where she didn’t understand what you wanted, didn’t believe enough in her self to push through the physical requirements, mentally didn’t quite understand what you were asking of her, and THAT in itself is frustrating for a good partner to accept. She hit her plateau.

    We all hit a plateau…. training, working, being creative, being a parent where we say, This is it, I have mastered this level, reached my personal pinnacle, this is all I can do, there isn’t any more left to give. You are allowed! While it may not look like it of feel like it in the moment, It is all part of the foundation block for the next level of your life! And, like the end result of that training sequence, it is really just a Growth Spurt.

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  3. This is a really good analogy, Steph. Thanks for keeping me ‘On Course’ I think you really do have to hit the bottom sometimes, it is just so hard to see over the lip of the barrel when you’re down there. I will keep your words of wisdom in mind, as I lay this new foundation.

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    • But you are not at the bottom of the barrel Honey…. you have climbed the mountain and have reached a plateau at the TOP….. there are more and higher mountains and rewards in the distance awaiting you, but for now, catch your breath and enjoy the 360 degree view.

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  4. We all have them I think and you’re right they are part of a process. It seems they are more common in the cold, dreary winter months too. A little sun always seems to help and I hope there is some with you soon, if not physical, then metaphorical 🙂

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